It’s high time we talked frankly and honestly about sex in Christian circles. The amount of ridiculous, unhelpful, and downright damaging relationship advice young Christian couples get is staggering to me sometimes. As a still [fairly young] married man coming up on 6 years of matrimony and 3 kids, I think I am to the point I can start dishing out marriage advice like a pro. Take it or leave it, dudes, but here’s what I’ve learned about the first years of marriage that I think could be really helpful if you are newly married or about to be.
1. Men, your wives need to orgasm too.
Girls like sex too [surprise!], and I’m amazed by stories I hear of married women who have never orgasmed during sex. This is a tragedy! There are lots of reasons for this, and occasionally there are reasons man can’t help it, but often there’s things he can do. So, married brother, if your wife is not climaxing on a regular basis and you are, that is a problem. Fix it. Don’t be a selfish lover. Don’t pull out and go to sleep once you’ve finished – keep going until she’s done. She will thank you, and probably want to have sex with you more! Experiment with different positions. Try oral (this is fun), especially if you routinely finish before she does. Ask questions – what does she like and where does she enjoy being touched? Kiss her all over and find the places that turn her on. Slow it down – be gentle and deliberate and sensual. Don’t neglect making out and foreplay (big one)! Compliment her. Get the Kama Sutra book and explore away together. You’re married now! The bedroom is your oyster. Don’t let shame or extra-Biblical prudish rules get in the way of making sweet love to your woman. The only rule found in Scripture for married couples and sex is unselfish love. If you both are comfortable with something and enjoy it, it’s yours to run with!
2. Help out around the house.
#1 is all the actual sex advice I’m going to give. Some of you dudes are just plain lazy around the house, and it’s taking a toll on your relationship with your wife. You think you’re a great husband, but you’re not. You have outmoded, unChristlike, patriarchal views of a woman’s role in the home. When you get home from work, you need to help her out. Do the dishes, take out the trash, that sort of thing. Your wife is not your house servant. If you don’t like doing it, she probably doesn’t either. Serve her and watch your relationship strengthen virtually overnight.
3. Put down the phone.
Some of you can’t figure out why your wife spurns your sexual advances, while every moment at home you are glued to a screen of some kind, until you start getting horny and decide to pay attention to her. Start putting boundaries on yourself for when you will use your phone or device (this has been huge for me personally). Leave it in the car to charge when you first come in the house, or immediately take it to your bedroom and plug it in (we all know your Apple product needs all the wall time it can get!) Give your wife undivided face time, especially when you first come home. Some of those “communication issues” you can’t seem to get over will evaporate.
I really can’t overstate this point. If your wife gives you feedback, even if it feels naggy or complain-y, listen. And then apologize. Don’t make excuses. Own your crap like a big boy and ask her what action steps you can take to do better. And then do them.
5. Take her on dates.
This is a big deal. I know dates can get expensive, especially when child care is an issue, but it’s SO worth the investment. If nothing else, put the kids to bed, resist the temptation to watch TV, and just talk over a bowl of ice cream in the living room. Take the time to connect, even if you can’t go out to a movie or a nice dinner.
6. Stop looking at porn.
I know porn is pretty much socially acceptable at this point, but it doesn’t make for happy marriages. Your woman will feel compared to those supermodels she knows you’re looking at, whether or not you think you are doing this. And she knows she can’t compare. You might not think of it as a big deal, but she does, and more importantly, God does. Sex is a spiritual thing, not just biological. You know you don’t feel good after looking at porn, and chances are, that mood swing isn’t lost on your wife either. There are tons of resources available to guys looking to get free from this addiction. Don’t be the kind of man that objectifies women. Love your wife and her body only. Be a one woman kind of man.
7. Pray with your wife.
This is awkward. I get it. Do it anyway. You need to take responsibility for the spiritual temperature of your home, even if you feel like your wife has a stronger spiritual life than you do. She will respect you coming alongside her in this, even if you don’t think you’re on the same level as she is. A man does not have to be a friar or a seminary professor to be spiritually engaged, or even to encourage his wife in her faith. He just has to know that he wants his marriage and family to be founded on Jesus, and communicate that with his actions.
If your marriage is on the rocks right now — or if your wife says it is, even if you don’t think it is, she’s probably right. LISTEN to her. If you do these 7 things, I guarantee you’ll dramatically up your chances for a successful marriage!
Blessings, brothers. Love your wife well today!